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“What do you need?” - Emotional needs in marriage

“He’s not my Bob”.
Audrey was telling me about life with her husband of 58 years, who has Alzheimer’s. She is faithfully caring for him as long as she can, but she misses him.

I am reading William Harley at the moment, on marriage (He has written several books on the theme, this 
one is ‘Surviving An Affair’, co-authored with Jennifer Harley Chalmers). Audrey & I went through the 10 
Emotional Needs that Harley identifies:

1.   affection
2.   admiration
3.   sexual fulfillment
4.   intimate conversation
5.   recreational companionship
6.   honesty and openness
7.   physical attractiveness
8.   financial support
9.   domestic support
10. family commitment

Sure enough, for each one of these, the husband who had once met each need for Audrey in fine style has 
slipped away from her.

To quote Harley: “Most of our happiness in life comes from our relationships with others. That’s because we 
can’t meet our most important emotional needs most effectively by ourselves – others must meet them for 
us. And we usually fall in love with and marry the person we think will do the very best job meeting them.” 
(p141).

His book advocates, obviously, doing our best to learn how to identify and meet the emotional needs of our spouses. Can’t argue with that. My husband & I have been working on this, and it is good to talk about ‘what works for me’ and a framework like this is good to make you talk about things that are easy to just assume or ignore.

It intrigues me when I bump into something in my own heart that feels hungry. To say it out loud makes me vulnerable. It is easier not to ‘need’ something from someone else. It might be simple, like me saying ‘when you text me during the day it matters to me, that you are thinking of me’. Or it might be harder, walking into ground where you once were hurt, unsure if landmines or thorns lurk. But if we can find ways to be open about what we need, if we can find ways to offer to another person what does feed them (even if it doesn’t do it for us!), then love grows and marriage is strengthened.

My problem with Harley’s logic is that it assumes that people can change, can learn. Bob can’t, and Audrey needs to let go all of the things that once she needed and received from him, till all that is left are memories and loyalty. Each of us, too, have to let go of things we would love to share or receive from our spouses (and workmates, friends & churches too!). My husband is never going to come to yoga with me, or read poetry with me. He just isn’t. Tough. He’s just not wired for that, and it’s not his responsibility to meet all my needs.

So we live with these opposite movements of the heart. One is the flow towards asking others to meet our needs. The other movement releases other people from our own needs, accepts people just as they are, and pushes us to confront our own egos.

I believe it to be true that as we grow up in Christ we hold more loosely to our emotional needs. We simply don’t need them as much, the more we allow Jesus in. My fundamental problem with Harley’s list is that it is not how God works.

Sorry, mustn’t preach … what I know in my own heart is a steady infilling of love from an infinite source. It does not replace my need for human affection, but it stills it. I experience myself as deeply, profoundly loved, adored, admired, treasured, by a spiritual reality that I believe is the same power that created the universe. I hope this gives me more love to give away. I hope this makes me more willing to clean toilets & give money away and be present to other people without needing a trade-off, without always wondering what’s in it for me.

It helps to know who we are and how we are made, and that includes the hungers of our heart. It’s wonderful when people can meet us there; we truly come alive when what is within us resonates with another person. But only babies get all their needs met. Growing up means dealing with the gap between what we want and what we get. Marriages are formed in this tussle. I don’t suppose I will need love any less as I grow up, but I hope this becomes more spacious, with less need for lists!


The 'Five Love Languages' is a good tool for understanding emotional needs in close relationships
Love Languages for Couples
is a simple 2-page assessment for opening up conversations about whether you respond most to:
touch ... words ... time ... service ... or gifts
www.conversations.net.nz
Written by Silvia Purdie 

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