Stress"Catch the Little Foxes": Reducing frustrations in daily life Silvia Purdie, January 2021 |
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Life is no fun when you’re stressed out. We all have the little things that set us off, so that before we know it we are frustrated, gritting our teeth and trying not to swear at the kids.
What jumps up and down demanding your attention when you’re trying to do something else?
What sucks your joy?
How much of your life and energy gets pulled off-track,
by stuff that in itself isn’t that big but has a cumulative stress-inducing effect?
It is funny how it is not necessary big things which ruin our day, but little things that pile up.
Christians sometimes talk about catching the ‘little foxes’. This is a reference to a line in a beautiful poem in the Bible, the Song of Songs (2:15) where a couple in love call out to their friends to “Catch for us the foxes, the little foxes that ruin the vineyards, our vineyards that are in bloom.” We don’t have foxes in NZ (thank goodness) … but we have plenty of rabbits, possums, rats and stoats that eat the grass, the trees, and the precious eggs of our native birds. A big part of conservation work and farming work in NZ is catching the pests.
We all need to do this in our personal lives too.
What are the little irritations that make you cross with yourself, cross with the kids, cross with your partner, your boss, your parents, your colleagues …?
The first step is to start to notice our own reactions.
No one else can MAKE YOU get upset.
Someone says something or forgets to do something and we react. Before we know it our pulse rate is up and we’re sucked into an all-too-familiar track that ends up with us feeling grouchy. Suddenly we feel hurt or attacked or taken for granted or let down or disappointed. 9 times out of 10 the other person had no intention of hurting us; it is our own interpretation of what just happened that upsets us.
So the first challenge is to deal with your own reaction. Notice it. Step back from it for long enough to say “Oh that was interesting! This happened and then I felt upset. I wonder why.”
The second step is to catch the thoughts that whizzed through your head. This is easier said than done. Grabbing a pen and paper as soon as you can is a great strategy. Write down what you heard, what you felt and what you said to yourself in your mind. It takes practice, the more you do this the better you get at it.
Here are some thoughts that set people off:
“I have to say yes.” Many women struggle with this one. We are brought up to keep other people happy and to do what others ask us to do. Which is fine if we want to. But often we really don’t, and yet we pretend that we do, and we end up cross with ourselves and the person who asked, and resent it. Just because someone throws you a ball does not mean you have to catch it. You have a choice to say yes or to say no. Ask yourself: “Is this my problem?” Your ability to say ‘no’ depends on your capacity to let other people hold their problems, even if they are unhappy about that.
“If you are not OK then I am not OK.” Psychology talks about ‘boundaries’ in relationships. When the emotional boundary between me and the people around is very thin then I can only be OK in myself if everyone else is happy. A task of growing emotional maturity is to feel OK in my own skin, even when others are upset or angry - even when they are upset or angry with me! This is much easier said than done.
“Things should be perfect.” Is this part of your mind’s script? How much do you need everything to be neat and tidy and flowing along happily? What happens to you when things are messy, both in your physical space but also in other people’s behaviour? The antidote is the choice to live with imperfection. Stretch your tolerance. Breathe in and out. Remind yourself that you can cope when things are not how you’d prefer them to be. That’s life.
“They did that on purpose to annoy me.” Often we interpret the thoughtless actions or remarks of other people as a deliberate attack on us. This is a ‘cognitive distortion’, a trick of the mind that warps reality. When we react to that instead of to the reality of the situation we waste a pile of emotional energy. If you catch yourself thinking that, practice looking at other people more objectively. You’ll probably realise that your kid was hungry or your friend was distracted. Basically, this isn’t about you. Don’t take it personally.
“I have to have everything sorted.” What are the voices in your head that tell you all the things you ‘ought’ to have done already?? Most of us are far hasher on ourselves than we are on our families or friends. Are you kind to yourself? Do you let yourself make mistakes or be lazy occasionally? The alternative to harsh self-talk is to choose to be your own coach. What kind of a coach do you want to be? The best coaches bring out the best in others. Encourage yourself! You can do it!
Don’t look on life as an emergency. Look on it as an adventure. Life is not a test with a pass or fail. It is messy, it is windy, it’s complicated. And life is much easier when we don’t let little things pile up, when we aren’t wasting emotional energy fighting fires we lit in our own heads. Catch the ‘little foxes’, the pesky thoughts that make us reactive instead of fully present to other people. You’ll be happier for it – and so will the people around you!
What jumps up and down demanding your attention when you’re trying to do something else?
What sucks your joy?
How much of your life and energy gets pulled off-track,
by stuff that in itself isn’t that big but has a cumulative stress-inducing effect?
It is funny how it is not necessary big things which ruin our day, but little things that pile up.
Christians sometimes talk about catching the ‘little foxes’. This is a reference to a line in a beautiful poem in the Bible, the Song of Songs (2:15) where a couple in love call out to their friends to “Catch for us the foxes, the little foxes that ruin the vineyards, our vineyards that are in bloom.” We don’t have foxes in NZ (thank goodness) … but we have plenty of rabbits, possums, rats and stoats that eat the grass, the trees, and the precious eggs of our native birds. A big part of conservation work and farming work in NZ is catching the pests.
We all need to do this in our personal lives too.
What are the little irritations that make you cross with yourself, cross with the kids, cross with your partner, your boss, your parents, your colleagues …?
The first step is to start to notice our own reactions.
No one else can MAKE YOU get upset.
Someone says something or forgets to do something and we react. Before we know it our pulse rate is up and we’re sucked into an all-too-familiar track that ends up with us feeling grouchy. Suddenly we feel hurt or attacked or taken for granted or let down or disappointed. 9 times out of 10 the other person had no intention of hurting us; it is our own interpretation of what just happened that upsets us.
So the first challenge is to deal with your own reaction. Notice it. Step back from it for long enough to say “Oh that was interesting! This happened and then I felt upset. I wonder why.”
The second step is to catch the thoughts that whizzed through your head. This is easier said than done. Grabbing a pen and paper as soon as you can is a great strategy. Write down what you heard, what you felt and what you said to yourself in your mind. It takes practice, the more you do this the better you get at it.
Here are some thoughts that set people off:
“I have to say yes.” Many women struggle with this one. We are brought up to keep other people happy and to do what others ask us to do. Which is fine if we want to. But often we really don’t, and yet we pretend that we do, and we end up cross with ourselves and the person who asked, and resent it. Just because someone throws you a ball does not mean you have to catch it. You have a choice to say yes or to say no. Ask yourself: “Is this my problem?” Your ability to say ‘no’ depends on your capacity to let other people hold their problems, even if they are unhappy about that.
“If you are not OK then I am not OK.” Psychology talks about ‘boundaries’ in relationships. When the emotional boundary between me and the people around is very thin then I can only be OK in myself if everyone else is happy. A task of growing emotional maturity is to feel OK in my own skin, even when others are upset or angry - even when they are upset or angry with me! This is much easier said than done.
“Things should be perfect.” Is this part of your mind’s script? How much do you need everything to be neat and tidy and flowing along happily? What happens to you when things are messy, both in your physical space but also in other people’s behaviour? The antidote is the choice to live with imperfection. Stretch your tolerance. Breathe in and out. Remind yourself that you can cope when things are not how you’d prefer them to be. That’s life.
“They did that on purpose to annoy me.” Often we interpret the thoughtless actions or remarks of other people as a deliberate attack on us. This is a ‘cognitive distortion’, a trick of the mind that warps reality. When we react to that instead of to the reality of the situation we waste a pile of emotional energy. If you catch yourself thinking that, practice looking at other people more objectively. You’ll probably realise that your kid was hungry or your friend was distracted. Basically, this isn’t about you. Don’t take it personally.
“I have to have everything sorted.” What are the voices in your head that tell you all the things you ‘ought’ to have done already?? Most of us are far hasher on ourselves than we are on our families or friends. Are you kind to yourself? Do you let yourself make mistakes or be lazy occasionally? The alternative to harsh self-talk is to choose to be your own coach. What kind of a coach do you want to be? The best coaches bring out the best in others. Encourage yourself! You can do it!
Don’t look on life as an emergency. Look on it as an adventure. Life is not a test with a pass or fail. It is messy, it is windy, it’s complicated. And life is much easier when we don’t let little things pile up, when we aren’t wasting emotional energy fighting fires we lit in our own heads. Catch the ‘little foxes’, the pesky thoughts that make us reactive instead of fully present to other people. You’ll be happier for it – and so will the people around you!
With thanks to Ian Thomson for a fabulous Dunedin sunset photo.
Doing OK in traumatic times
(Written by Silvia Purdie, 3 April 2020, early Covid lockdown times)
I never used to be much bothered by stress, but the last couple of years have been fairly difficult for me. And now with global pandemic and financial crisis none of us are immune from trauma. We all have to learn to manage our own stress. If not, we take it out on the people closest to us, which is not great. Or stress makes us sick, which is also not at all helpful.
Trauma is really unpleasant. It sets off inside us a bunch of most uncomfortable sensations. It’s like swallowing a box of fire crackers and never knowing when one is going to go off. It’s like your internal body clock has sprung a cog and is whirring and dinging and donging randomly and there’s a constant buzzing and clattering inside.
There’s no quick fix. We are in this for a long time and there’s worse to come. The way through is not about grand solutions, or getting away from it all. It is being where you and learning to be safe in your own skin.
These are questions I am finding helpful for living with stress
How am I re-traumatising myself?
In stress, your mind is on alert. It craves information about what threatens you and will turn it over and over. It is hard to think straight or to think about anything else. In stressful times we do have to worry about the problems, watch the news, face the facts. But we have to not do this all the time. How are you going to contain the panic and not let in infect the whole day? Work out for yourself how much is good for you and what is not (scary movies probably not!). Set aside chunks of time with no distractions. You can’t control the bad news but you can manage how it gets to you.
How am I calming myself?
We have to take full responsibility for our own state. That is the definition of emotional maturity. Stop expecting anyone else to take care of you. Figure out what calms the stress response in your own brain. This will probably include slow breathing, physical exercise and relaxation. It might include cuddles (cats are good for this!), hot baths, favourite books or puzzles. It might include chocolate and alcohol, but go easy. Most important of all is holding your own ability to ride out the unpleasantness. It will pass. I am not enjoying this at all but I’ll stay as calm as I can anyway.
Am I being kind to myself?
How do you talk to yourself? Catch and evict any self-put-downs. When I’m in a trauma space it’s hard to get stuff done, and I have to take myself firmly in hand. But in a good way - “Come on, Silv, let’s do one hour’s work, then you can relax.” Be nice to yourself. No point being horrid in your own head.
Is my space tidy enough?
When we are stressed most of us get sloppy when it comes to housework. Problem is, when mess piles up and spiders look down at you from the ceiling, it feels worse. Make yourself clean the house. If you’re really stressed, just do a little bit at a time. Decide where things should live and put them there when you’re not using them. It really will help.
How can I pray?
I wish this question was easier to answer. After a lifetime of spiritual practices I feel a bit deserted by prayer at the moment. We all have times when what used to work no longer does. That’s OK. Explore what does work, as in, what you can concentrate on for a few minutes. One thing that always matters is gratitude. If all you can pray is ‘Thank you’ occasionally, for a nice meal or a beam of sunshine, that’s enough. Psalms are always good. Prayer books might help, or a stone to hold while you walk. Ask someone to pray for you. Be gentle with yourself, for that is God’s way. Christ is holding you, present with you close as close, no matter what you’re in just now.
(Written by Silvia Purdie, 3 April 2020, early Covid lockdown times)
I never used to be much bothered by stress, but the last couple of years have been fairly difficult for me. And now with global pandemic and financial crisis none of us are immune from trauma. We all have to learn to manage our own stress. If not, we take it out on the people closest to us, which is not great. Or stress makes us sick, which is also not at all helpful.
Trauma is really unpleasant. It sets off inside us a bunch of most uncomfortable sensations. It’s like swallowing a box of fire crackers and never knowing when one is going to go off. It’s like your internal body clock has sprung a cog and is whirring and dinging and donging randomly and there’s a constant buzzing and clattering inside.
There’s no quick fix. We are in this for a long time and there’s worse to come. The way through is not about grand solutions, or getting away from it all. It is being where you and learning to be safe in your own skin.
These are questions I am finding helpful for living with stress
How am I re-traumatising myself?
In stress, your mind is on alert. It craves information about what threatens you and will turn it over and over. It is hard to think straight or to think about anything else. In stressful times we do have to worry about the problems, watch the news, face the facts. But we have to not do this all the time. How are you going to contain the panic and not let in infect the whole day? Work out for yourself how much is good for you and what is not (scary movies probably not!). Set aside chunks of time with no distractions. You can’t control the bad news but you can manage how it gets to you.
How am I calming myself?
We have to take full responsibility for our own state. That is the definition of emotional maturity. Stop expecting anyone else to take care of you. Figure out what calms the stress response in your own brain. This will probably include slow breathing, physical exercise and relaxation. It might include cuddles (cats are good for this!), hot baths, favourite books or puzzles. It might include chocolate and alcohol, but go easy. Most important of all is holding your own ability to ride out the unpleasantness. It will pass. I am not enjoying this at all but I’ll stay as calm as I can anyway.
Am I being kind to myself?
How do you talk to yourself? Catch and evict any self-put-downs. When I’m in a trauma space it’s hard to get stuff done, and I have to take myself firmly in hand. But in a good way - “Come on, Silv, let’s do one hour’s work, then you can relax.” Be nice to yourself. No point being horrid in your own head.
Is my space tidy enough?
When we are stressed most of us get sloppy when it comes to housework. Problem is, when mess piles up and spiders look down at you from the ceiling, it feels worse. Make yourself clean the house. If you’re really stressed, just do a little bit at a time. Decide where things should live and put them there when you’re not using them. It really will help.
How can I pray?
I wish this question was easier to answer. After a lifetime of spiritual practices I feel a bit deserted by prayer at the moment. We all have times when what used to work no longer does. That’s OK. Explore what does work, as in, what you can concentrate on for a few minutes. One thing that always matters is gratitude. If all you can pray is ‘Thank you’ occasionally, for a nice meal or a beam of sunshine, that’s enough. Psalms are always good. Prayer books might help, or a stone to hold while you walk. Ask someone to pray for you. Be gentle with yourself, for that is God’s way. Christ is holding you, present with you close as close, no matter what you’re in just now.
The Ten Commandments for Reducing Stress
1. Thou shalt NOT be perfect, nor even attempt to be.
2. Thou shalt NOT try to be all things to all people.
3. Thou shalt leave things undone that ought to be done.
4. Thou shalt NOT spread thyself too thinly.
5. Thou shalt learn to say NO.
6. Thou shalt schedule time for thyself and thy loved ones.
7. Thou shalt regularly switch off and do nothing.
8. Thou shalt, at times, be boring, untidy, inelegant and unattractive.
9. Thou shalt NOT feed guilt with unrealistic expectations.
10. Especially: thou shalt NOT be thine own worst enemy! Instead, be thine own best friend.
1. Thou shalt NOT be perfect, nor even attempt to be.
2. Thou shalt NOT try to be all things to all people.
3. Thou shalt leave things undone that ought to be done.
4. Thou shalt NOT spread thyself too thinly.
5. Thou shalt learn to say NO.
6. Thou shalt schedule time for thyself and thy loved ones.
7. Thou shalt regularly switch off and do nothing.
8. Thou shalt, at times, be boring, untidy, inelegant and unattractive.
9. Thou shalt NOT feed guilt with unrealistic expectations.
10. Especially: thou shalt NOT be thine own worst enemy! Instead, be thine own best friend.