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Ethical Principles & Marriage:

​The Commitments of Marriage: A Statement of Ethical Intention
 
Written by Silvia Purdie as a discussion starter for couples,
to clarify expectations and commitments.
June 2018
 
 
The principle of unconditional love
I commit to loving you unconditionally.
I accept you as you are
and will not pressure you to change.
I am curious about who you will become
and will not pressure you to stay the same.
 
The principle of beneficence – do good for the other
I commit to your welfare
and will act in your interests
even when this means putting aside my own.
I will serve you.
I will support you in your way of dealing with things.
 
The principle of fidelity – truth and faithfulness
I commit to being honest with you
and to being a safe person for you to be honest with.
I will not keep secrets from you.
I will tell you when I feel attracted to someone else.
 
The principle of non-malevalence – do no harm
I commit to fighting fair.
I commit to working as a team.
 
The principle of autonomy – growing up
I commit to being responsible for my own needs.
I do not expect you to be everything for me.
I will encourage your individuality and talents.

Questions for discussion
 
 
As you read this out to each other (one at a time) …
 
which statements do you totally agree with?
 
which make you feel uncomfortable – ‘not sure about that’?
 
Do any of these statements not fit with your expectations of each other?
 
Are there other things that see you as important, to ask of or commit to each other?
 
Ethical principles can be in tension with each other. Can you imagine situations where you might need to decide which principle is more important? e.g. could being honest ever cause harm?
 
How might these principles apply to how you deal with your finances?
 
… or parenting?
 
… or sex?
 
… or cleaning the house?
 
How do your faith and deepest values shape your commitments to each other?
 
Where are the points where our expectations do not match? How might we keep exploring these?
 
What would we like to learn more about? or talk to someone else about?

Comments from my friends on Facebook when I asked for input
on these Statements of Ethical Intentions for marriage …
 
Celebrating or recognising how the other person ticks/ thinks/ responds to stress/ understanding these things has been wonderful fo us. It's not right or wrong just so good to understand the other person's process and respect them enough to let them 'do their process'. Giving them the space to be who God created them to be. comes into your unconditional love section I guess... but also problem solving as a team.
 
A financial discussion? Are they on the same page about money.
 
Ditto to money topic. Most literature says it's one of the key causes of stress in relationships
Comes back to where each of the individuals have their values based and life experiences how that has shaped their views on money. Have they had things handed to them on a plate or ever had to work really hard to get something? Have they ever struggled financially, known loss of income, seen wider effects of having money or not having money? How do they perceive wealth? Riches? Consumerism? Politics? Business? What is their bottom line? How much money is enough? What do they perceive as being important and high priority to spend their money on? That's a good one! Where do each of the individuals answers to these question intersect?
 
Doing Myers Briggs is helpful (personality types)
 
Some couples don't see the point of making a public committment and just see marriage as an excuse for a party and presents- no value put on the committment aspects.
From the point of view of "being honest", this is not always the best advice. Sometimes it is better for some one to seek counselling etc rather than burden the partner with something which might be able to be survived. Honesty can cause an irreparable rift and constant doubt
 
Partnership.. Committing to shared decision making. And shared rule-making : utterly critical when children are or are going to be in the mix. This last could be tricky with blended families coming with established but differing rules. However i suspect even harder if one partner has children and one doesn't, and established rules may have to stay because they are part of agreements with ex-partners
 
Attitudes & Expectations: to housework, child raising & discipline, as well as expectations of roles within marriage. Often helps to investigate family patterns of marital roles & how that affects expectations around housework, cooking, income generation & childcare. Must be on the same page about having(or not) Children, disciplinary techniques & roles, full understanding of any fertility issues & planning ahead for possible infertility/birth technology assistance & adoption(or not). Agree to 'warning signs' & avenues for assistance (eg...counselling, employing house cleaner, employing nanny or babysitters, date nights, time-outs, etc)

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Written by Silvia Purdie 

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