Building Blocks for Pastoral Conversation
www.conversationscounselling.nz
A short training in effective care
by Silvia Purdie
We can all listen and we can all improve our skill at listening, so that those who choose to share with us are blessed with the wonderful experience of being fully heard. As in all things, Jesus shows us the way. This paper is a discussion-starter, to offer five ‘building blocks’ for healing conversations. My experience is that these skills enable rich sharing in which we experience the Holy Spirit at work.
How did Jesus talk with people?
OK, so not all the conversations recorded in the Gospels are what we would call ‘pastoral care’; Jesus taught and challenged and argued. But he also listened to people and was deeply present to them. If you read other spiritual teachers they often sound remote, super-holy or obtuse. When we read the Gospels we can step into each conversation and see Jesus face-to-face, through the eyes of the disciples. Jesus always payed attention, totally, to each and every person he meet. And in this attention he ...
So, five building blocks for pastoral conversations:
1. Contracting
This is something we have to teach ourselves consciously, because it is about making explicit what we take for granted. A therapeutic conversation needs safe space, and this requires agreement. What are we here for? What kind of space is this? Where shall we meet? How long do we have?
You need to be able to briefly and clearly articulate what it is you are offering. You need to ask about the other person’s expectations and hopes. These questions don’t fall easily off the tongue so it’s good to practice.
Ethical pastoral practice also suggests that we say explicitly “This is your time, it’s up to you what we talk about.” And also the confidentiality issue: “I won’t be telling anyone else what you share with me unless ...” I would encourage you to do the ‘worst case situation’ plan with your church. What are the limits of confidentiality?
2. Calmly enquire
This is the easy part: “Tell me about what’s going on for you.”
The focus of a pastoral conversation is the lived experience of this person. But people often want to tell you their complaints about or fears for other people. Try to stay with “How does that feel for you? What is it that you need?”
Basic counselling skills include echoing back emotions - “That sounds hard” - short simple statements that shine the light on the heart of the matter for this person.
Often people have a lot to download, and rush on through long complex stories. The counselling skill is to slow a conversation down, even interrupt someone to do this. Say, “Can I pause you for a moment. How did you feel about that?”
Other people are quiet, tentatively finding words. Ask a good question and sit and wait. Don’t fill the space, just relax and trust.
3. Summarise
Several times in a conversation I would recommend reflecting back to the other person: “This is what I heard you say”. Why do we summarise?
4. Respond authentically
Be real. Don’t be so calm that you’re a blank page. People enjoy real conversations with real people, who feel with them. The skill is to match the energy of the other person but with peace. So feel free to exclaim or laugh or feel sad with someone. But the self-control of pastoral care is to hold back my own emotional reactions and contain my own story; I want to respond but not react. The point is to stay with this person, not get shunted off onto my own track.
5. Look for strengths
Be upfront about it: you have a clear agenda here, to spot the strengths and skills and capacity of this person. Enlist them in the hunt, help them to name what they bring to the situations they face. This is subtly different from ‘silver-lining’ where we try to persuade people to look on the bright side. Don’t do that. Don’t minimise the awfulness of whatever people are facing. But do affirm anything and everything you possibly can about what God has placed within them that will get them through. “I see ... in you.”
This helps us stay out of the mud of anxiety. No point in getting bogged in it with them.
We trust that Jesus has got this person. We pray for the Holy Spirit to be at work. If they have faith, help them spot the little ways that God is there for them, and is there for other people through them.
I am here for you.
I hear you.
I see capacity in you.
God is with you.
by Silvia Purdie
We can all listen and we can all improve our skill at listening, so that those who choose to share with us are blessed with the wonderful experience of being fully heard. As in all things, Jesus shows us the way. This paper is a discussion-starter, to offer five ‘building blocks’ for healing conversations. My experience is that these skills enable rich sharing in which we experience the Holy Spirit at work.
How did Jesus talk with people?
OK, so not all the conversations recorded in the Gospels are what we would call ‘pastoral care’; Jesus taught and challenged and argued. But he also listened to people and was deeply present to them. If you read other spiritual teachers they often sound remote, super-holy or obtuse. When we read the Gospels we can step into each conversation and see Jesus face-to-face, through the eyes of the disciples. Jesus always payed attention, totally, to each and every person he meet. And in this attention he ...
- expressed in a whole range of ways his boundless compassion and affection for that person (in counselling-speak: ‘unconditional positive regard’).
- met people wherever and however they were. He was never put off by, or impressed by, appearances.
- asked “How can I help you?” (Mark 10:51), which these days we’d call ‘contracting’.
- asked “What is happening for you?” (Mark 8:23): enquiry about lived experience.
- stayed calm. Jesus’ ability to slip through an angry crowd, or prevent a woman being stoned, reveals an inner calm in the presence of anger and trauma.
- responded with authentic emotion. He wept, he laughed, he reached out. He never pretended.
- and above all, no matter what, Jesus offered himself. Friendship with Jesus mattered far more than physical healings or ethical conduct. “Remain in me”, John 15.
So, five building blocks for pastoral conversations:
1. Contracting
This is something we have to teach ourselves consciously, because it is about making explicit what we take for granted. A therapeutic conversation needs safe space, and this requires agreement. What are we here for? What kind of space is this? Where shall we meet? How long do we have?
You need to be able to briefly and clearly articulate what it is you are offering. You need to ask about the other person’s expectations and hopes. These questions don’t fall easily off the tongue so it’s good to practice.
Ethical pastoral practice also suggests that we say explicitly “This is your time, it’s up to you what we talk about.” And also the confidentiality issue: “I won’t be telling anyone else what you share with me unless ...” I would encourage you to do the ‘worst case situation’ plan with your church. What are the limits of confidentiality?
2. Calmly enquire
This is the easy part: “Tell me about what’s going on for you.”
The focus of a pastoral conversation is the lived experience of this person. But people often want to tell you their complaints about or fears for other people. Try to stay with “How does that feel for you? What is it that you need?”
Basic counselling skills include echoing back emotions - “That sounds hard” - short simple statements that shine the light on the heart of the matter for this person.
Often people have a lot to download, and rush on through long complex stories. The counselling skill is to slow a conversation down, even interrupt someone to do this. Say, “Can I pause you for a moment. How did you feel about that?”
Other people are quiet, tentatively finding words. Ask a good question and sit and wait. Don’t fill the space, just relax and trust.
3. Summarise
Several times in a conversation I would recommend reflecting back to the other person: “This is what I heard you say”. Why do we summarise?
- to check if we did hear them accurately – ask “Is that how it is for you?”
- to give them the gift of feeling fully heard. This has a physical impact on the nervous system, bringing calm and releasing blood flow through the brain.
- Hearing what I said said back to me enables me to re-assess it. It rescues me from my own internal loop. Emotions change and new possibilities emerge.
4. Respond authentically
Be real. Don’t be so calm that you’re a blank page. People enjoy real conversations with real people, who feel with them. The skill is to match the energy of the other person but with peace. So feel free to exclaim or laugh or feel sad with someone. But the self-control of pastoral care is to hold back my own emotional reactions and contain my own story; I want to respond but not react. The point is to stay with this person, not get shunted off onto my own track.
5. Look for strengths
Be upfront about it: you have a clear agenda here, to spot the strengths and skills and capacity of this person. Enlist them in the hunt, help them to name what they bring to the situations they face. This is subtly different from ‘silver-lining’ where we try to persuade people to look on the bright side. Don’t do that. Don’t minimise the awfulness of whatever people are facing. But do affirm anything and everything you possibly can about what God has placed within them that will get them through. “I see ... in you.”
This helps us stay out of the mud of anxiety. No point in getting bogged in it with them.
We trust that Jesus has got this person. We pray for the Holy Spirit to be at work. If they have faith, help them spot the little ways that God is there for them, and is there for other people through them.
I am here for you.
I hear you.
I see capacity in you.
God is with you.