Relationship Repair Kit
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In our most intimate relationship we experience life’s greatest joys, but also our sharpest agonies. A marriage is a living growing thing, which means going through times of pain and struggle. The bond between you can get frayed, the trust between you can become torn, the partnership can come apart at the seams. Times like these are times to repair and strengthen your marriage. Divorce is enormously costly, in many ways for many people. Investing time, energy, effort and $$ into repairing your relationship is the best investment you’ll ever make.
These eight things can rebuild hope and joy in your relationship. They describe my approach to couple counselling, but there are also practical things you can do just the two of you, or even just on your own. Welcome to my 'Relationship Repair Kit'! This is a long page, so keep on scrolling if you are interested - or dip in and out. There are links to some good resource websites. I don’t mean the term ‘marriage’ to be exclusive of other forms of committed relationship. For each part of the ‘Repair Kit’ I have included a ‘faith perspective’ with some thoughts from the Christian spiritual tradition. If you don’t share this tradition I hope you find something interesting in here; I have no wish to put down other spiritual perspectives. |
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The images on this page are details from the gorgeous still life paintings of my dear friend Lynn Ramage.
1. Strengths
A couple deciding they need counselling probably have long lists of complaints about each other. Counselling is not about pulling out your lists and taking turns complaining about each other, as (briefly) satisfying as that would be - who doesn’t want to be proved right!?
It is a basic principle of human nature that you get more of what you pay attention to. Couples in crisis are experts at focusing on the problems. The problem is, problems just create more problems. Counselling aims to shift your attention off the deficits you see in your partner so that you can both notice and grow each others’ strengths. This increases your ability to problem-solve together. Your collective pool of wisdom grows when you spend less time fighting each other and more time encouraging each other.
You may only get to be married to one person; you might as well spend the years appreciating them for who they are rather than disliking them for who they are not.
Here are some practical tools for growing your appreciation of each other’s strengths.
Curiosity. The trouble starts when we think we already know this person we are married to. A central tool in the relationship repair kit is curiosity, the attitude that you will still be researching this person for the rest of their life. There will always be more to learn, they’ll always be able to surprise you.
Encouragement. To en-courage increases the courage of another person. How? By naming their strengths. This is possible when we choose to see past the irritations and to look for what we can genuinely affirm. Encouragement is not flattery (praising for our own ends) or complements (which measure a person up to an external standard).
What strengths do you see in this person? What do you value about them?
What strengths has your marriage cultivated in yourself?
Don’t assume they already know they are good at something.
Talk about how your partner is best able to hear you affirm them.
“May God who gives endurance and encouragement enable you to live in harmony with one another”, Romans 15:5.
Encouragement is an action of God, but God needs our mouths to give voice to it for each other, especially those closest to us.
Strengths tests. Some people find it very helpful to do a test to identify their top strengths. Strengths Finder is a system developed by Gallup, which is now called Clifton Strengths 34. This costs $50 for an online test and you receive a packs of resource with your results.
A free version is High5. It is easy to use online. You only get a brief report on your top five strengths for free; it then tries to get you to pay $45 for your “full report”.
A Faith Perspective
Is it right to focus on our strengths? We are a bit ambivalent about it. Jesus taught humility and selfless service and stood against the proud and self-righteous. Christian theology has a mixed (the correct word is ‘nuanced’) understanding of human nature. On one hand we are made in God’s image, “crowned with honour and glory” (Psalm 8:5), sons and daughters of the Most High. On the other hand the glory of humanity is fundamentally cracked, splintered until God’s image is almost unrecognisable. Only through Christ can we be truly human, who we are meant to be.
It is a basic principle of human nature that you get more of what you pay attention to. Couples in crisis are experts at focusing on the problems. The problem is, problems just create more problems. Counselling aims to shift your attention off the deficits you see in your partner so that you can both notice and grow each others’ strengths. This increases your ability to problem-solve together. Your collective pool of wisdom grows when you spend less time fighting each other and more time encouraging each other.
You may only get to be married to one person; you might as well spend the years appreciating them for who they are rather than disliking them for who they are not.
Here are some practical tools for growing your appreciation of each other’s strengths.
Curiosity. The trouble starts when we think we already know this person we are married to. A central tool in the relationship repair kit is curiosity, the attitude that you will still be researching this person for the rest of their life. There will always be more to learn, they’ll always be able to surprise you.
Encouragement. To en-courage increases the courage of another person. How? By naming their strengths. This is possible when we choose to see past the irritations and to look for what we can genuinely affirm. Encouragement is not flattery (praising for our own ends) or complements (which measure a person up to an external standard).
What strengths do you see in this person? What do you value about them?
What strengths has your marriage cultivated in yourself?
Don’t assume they already know they are good at something.
Talk about how your partner is best able to hear you affirm them.
“May God who gives endurance and encouragement enable you to live in harmony with one another”, Romans 15:5.
Encouragement is an action of God, but God needs our mouths to give voice to it for each other, especially those closest to us.
Strengths tests. Some people find it very helpful to do a test to identify their top strengths. Strengths Finder is a system developed by Gallup, which is now called Clifton Strengths 34. This costs $50 for an online test and you receive a packs of resource with your results.
A free version is High5. It is easy to use online. You only get a brief report on your top five strengths for free; it then tries to get you to pay $45 for your “full report”.
A Faith Perspective
Is it right to focus on our strengths? We are a bit ambivalent about it. Jesus taught humility and selfless service and stood against the proud and self-righteous. Christian theology has a mixed (the correct word is ‘nuanced’) understanding of human nature. On one hand we are made in God’s image, “crowned with honour and glory” (Psalm 8:5), sons and daughters of the Most High. On the other hand the glory of humanity is fundamentally cracked, splintered until God’s image is almost unrecognisable. Only through Christ can we be truly human, who we are meant to be.
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So what does this mean for you and me and our marriages? The two key concepts are talents and gifts. Our individual talents are our share in the image of God – a unique mixed bag for each person – there from our conception, central to who I am. Our gifts are what God adds into us as we are ready for them. The Holy Spirit pours out gifts and the more we grow in following Jesus the more we are able to receive them. Both talents and gifts can be squashed and ignored or nurtured and fine-tuned. Marriage can either foster or deny our skills and giftings.
Through the eyes of faith we can see more in each other than we see in ourselves. We can value each other’s uniqueness, even when we don’t understand it. |
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Philippians 4:8-9 (The Message)
Summing it all up, friends, I’d say you’ll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse … and God, who makes everything work together, will work you into his most excellent harmonies.
Summing it all up, friends, I’d say you’ll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse … and God, who makes everything work together, will work you into his most excellent harmonies.
2. Listen!
My husband works with lots of young couples as an army chaplain. I asked him what the most important thing for relationships is. He replied “communication” and we both burst out laughing. Communication is the ultimate cliché in couple counselling. Of course communication matters, but that can mean absolutely anything! Everything we say and do is a form of communication, for good or ill. So what really helps marriages work well?
The specific form of communication that couple counselling emphasises is reciprocal listening.
We all try to listen to our partners, but in everyday life stuff gets in the way - most of all our assumption that we already know what our partner is saying. The ‘bread and butter’ of couple counselling is taking turns listening to what each other has to say, both words and body language, and learning how to check that what you heard is in fact what the other person said.
This involves slowing down verbal communication between a couple. It can feel painfully slow to keep stopping to check what has been heard. But the purpose of this process is a wonderful thing: the experience of truly being heard.
Bessel van der Kolk writes in his book on trauma (‘The Body Keeps the Score’, p.79) about the importance of social support in protecting us against being overwhelmed by stress and trauma:
“The critical issue is reciprocity: being truly heard and seen by the people around us, feeling that we are held in someone else’s mind and heart. For our physiology to calm down, heal, and grow we need a visceral feeling of safety.”
Feeling fully heard creates a tangible physical experience of safety. Couple counselling is not just about feeling heard by the counsellor, but feeling heard by your partner. In counselling a couple learns skills to apply at home – listening skills.
But what should we be listening for? Good listening, both at home and in a counsellor’s office, invites the other person to express the thoughts and feelings that lie underneath the presenting issue. Not because these are a problem to be fixed, or a puzzle to be analysed, but simply to honour whatever it is you are experiencing. Because when we feel fully heard we are free to move on from there, released to look at things from a new perspective.
The specific form of communication that couple counselling emphasises is reciprocal listening.
We all try to listen to our partners, but in everyday life stuff gets in the way - most of all our assumption that we already know what our partner is saying. The ‘bread and butter’ of couple counselling is taking turns listening to what each other has to say, both words and body language, and learning how to check that what you heard is in fact what the other person said.
This involves slowing down verbal communication between a couple. It can feel painfully slow to keep stopping to check what has been heard. But the purpose of this process is a wonderful thing: the experience of truly being heard.
Bessel van der Kolk writes in his book on trauma (‘The Body Keeps the Score’, p.79) about the importance of social support in protecting us against being overwhelmed by stress and trauma:
“The critical issue is reciprocity: being truly heard and seen by the people around us, feeling that we are held in someone else’s mind and heart. For our physiology to calm down, heal, and grow we need a visceral feeling of safety.”
Feeling fully heard creates a tangible physical experience of safety. Couple counselling is not just about feeling heard by the counsellor, but feeling heard by your partner. In counselling a couple learns skills to apply at home – listening skills.
But what should we be listening for? Good listening, both at home and in a counsellor’s office, invites the other person to express the thoughts and feelings that lie underneath the presenting issue. Not because these are a problem to be fixed, or a puzzle to be analysed, but simply to honour whatever it is you are experiencing. Because when we feel fully heard we are free to move on from there, released to look at things from a new perspective.
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A Faith Perspective
There are several important references in the Gospels to seeing and hearing. Jesus often called on people to open their eyes to see and their ears to hear. He wanted to encourage a fresh experience of reality, a deeper quality of listening. He got frustrated when people could not see what was happening in front of them, or hear the truth they were offered (e.g. Matthew 13:10-17). Jesus both spiritually and physically opened eyes and ears. His Spirit is still having that effect on us, breaking through our assumptions about other people and enabling us to connect with reality as it is, not just how we expect it to be. |
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3. Triggers
If a dog rushed at you in the street barking aggressively how might you react? Would you step towards it yelling loudly? Would you back away then run for it? Or would you stand dead still until it calms down?
When we feel under threat we instinctively react in one of these three ways. This is called our Stress Response of ‘fight, flight or freeze’. These are instant physical responses; our brains sense threat and immediately flood our bodies with stress hormones. Our hearts pump, our muscles tense, we’re ready for action. We feel angry or afraid, and our minds struggle to catch up with what is happening. Our training and logic can take over, and can calm us down when the threat is past. However, the Stress Response sucks blood away from the brain’s frontal cortex so that you literally cannot think straight.
This is great when we’re in danger. But when it gets triggered in our intimate relationships things get complicated. The problem is that our brains easily confuse a real threat with anything associated with it (lots of Christchurch people still flinch when a passing truck rattles the house). In our marriages this means that anything our partner says and does can trigger our Stress Response.
When this happens we naturally assume that it is their fault. We want to be the innocent party and we enlist our friends and families to support this view of things.
I’m sorry but couple counselling will not take sides or lay blame. What I would do as your counsellor is to challenge you to take responsibility for what triggers your reactions. I am interested in helping you to be aware of what ‘sets you off’ and what this feels like for you. This is vital information for you to know about yourself, and also for your partner to know about you.
• Think of the last time you felt angry, frustrated, frozen, anxious or panicky. Describe in detail what you felt … in your body and in your emotions. What thoughts ran through your head? When you were in that state, what did you want?
• Talk to your partner about what happens to you when your Stress Response gets triggered. Find our what your partner experiences when they get triggered. Remember that the Stress Response turns off the language part of our brains, so finding words for our experience can be surprisingly difficult.
• How we react to feeling under threat is laid down when we are young; we learn how to respond to the big people in our lives to best get our needs met. Think about, and talk about together, what you remember about being little, and a time when you felt hurt or afraid. How did you learn to cope?
• Experiment with taking full responsibility for your own emotional reactions. So rather than the blame game of “You make me so …!” try saying “When that happened I felt …”
A Faith Perspective
The Bible is a fabulous resource for feeling safe. Over and over again people in the Bible look threats in the eye and discover a powerful spiritual experience of confidence.
“The Lord is my rock and my refuge” declared King David in Psalm 18.
Jesus met his disciples one stormy night at sea with the words: “Have courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.” (Matthew 14:27).
Knowing the presence of God here with us is not just an idea, a belief or a feeling; it is a tangible thing that can soak into our blood and bone. It does not do away with the threats we face, but it grows our ability to respond with wisdom and courage.
I love the story of Jehosophat in 2 Chronicles 20 who went into battle armed only with a song of thanks and praise to God. He heard the message to “go out to face them, for Yahweh is with you” (v17).
Your spouse is not your enemy. The invitation is to notice how you react as though you were under threat, and to choose instead to keep your eyes upon Jesus. He is with you, your rock and refuge.
When we feel under threat we instinctively react in one of these three ways. This is called our Stress Response of ‘fight, flight or freeze’. These are instant physical responses; our brains sense threat and immediately flood our bodies with stress hormones. Our hearts pump, our muscles tense, we’re ready for action. We feel angry or afraid, and our minds struggle to catch up with what is happening. Our training and logic can take over, and can calm us down when the threat is past. However, the Stress Response sucks blood away from the brain’s frontal cortex so that you literally cannot think straight.
This is great when we’re in danger. But when it gets triggered in our intimate relationships things get complicated. The problem is that our brains easily confuse a real threat with anything associated with it (lots of Christchurch people still flinch when a passing truck rattles the house). In our marriages this means that anything our partner says and does can trigger our Stress Response.
When this happens we naturally assume that it is their fault. We want to be the innocent party and we enlist our friends and families to support this view of things.
I’m sorry but couple counselling will not take sides or lay blame. What I would do as your counsellor is to challenge you to take responsibility for what triggers your reactions. I am interested in helping you to be aware of what ‘sets you off’ and what this feels like for you. This is vital information for you to know about yourself, and also for your partner to know about you.
• Think of the last time you felt angry, frustrated, frozen, anxious or panicky. Describe in detail what you felt … in your body and in your emotions. What thoughts ran through your head? When you were in that state, what did you want?
• Talk to your partner about what happens to you when your Stress Response gets triggered. Find our what your partner experiences when they get triggered. Remember that the Stress Response turns off the language part of our brains, so finding words for our experience can be surprisingly difficult.
• How we react to feeling under threat is laid down when we are young; we learn how to respond to the big people in our lives to best get our needs met. Think about, and talk about together, what you remember about being little, and a time when you felt hurt or afraid. How did you learn to cope?
• Experiment with taking full responsibility for your own emotional reactions. So rather than the blame game of “You make me so …!” try saying “When that happened I felt …”
A Faith Perspective
The Bible is a fabulous resource for feeling safe. Over and over again people in the Bible look threats in the eye and discover a powerful spiritual experience of confidence.
“The Lord is my rock and my refuge” declared King David in Psalm 18.
Jesus met his disciples one stormy night at sea with the words: “Have courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.” (Matthew 14:27).
Knowing the presence of God here with us is not just an idea, a belief or a feeling; it is a tangible thing that can soak into our blood and bone. It does not do away with the threats we face, but it grows our ability to respond with wisdom and courage.
I love the story of Jehosophat in 2 Chronicles 20 who went into battle armed only with a song of thanks and praise to God. He heard the message to “go out to face them, for Yahweh is with you” (v17).
Your spouse is not your enemy. The invitation is to notice how you react as though you were under threat, and to choose instead to keep your eyes upon Jesus. He is with you, your rock and refuge.
4. Personality
Personality is a tool for understanding that people can be very different from me and that is OK. In fact, it might even be a good thing. When I am bumping heads with people I feel like things would be much better if other people were more like me!
There are lots of ways in which humanity is enriched by diversity; one way is personality. This describes differences in how people relate to the world and each other, without placing value judgements. There are no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ ways of being, just different ways. Personality describes process, the ‘how’ of people, not the content of what they think or believe or feel or do.
At work it helps to know the different strengths and personalities in a team. At home it is great to understand how each other ‘ticks’, so that I can stop trying to make you function more like me.
The Myers Briggs approach to personality is easy to grasp and apply, while also having a strong foundation in psychological theory (Jungian). It creates four continuums (a line between opposites), and allocates a preference for one end or the other.
1. The first, and easiest to grasp, is Extrovert-Introvert. Most people know whether they are energised by being around other people or whether they need peace and quiet to recover. This is very important information for married life. Do you need to talk everything through, or do you like to think things over first? Happy couples have worked out how to both stay connected and give each other space.
This is, of course, affected by what jobs you do. My husband is an army chaplain, and a ‘mad extrovert’, but after talking to people all day long his extroversion is used up and all he wants to do is watch Youtube videos. I am more of an introvert by nature but if I’ve been home alone studying all day I will want to talk and talk! Hopefully there is time in the evening for a bit of both, with some patience and self-control, and good communication about what we want from each other.
2. I am strongly N (intuitive) and my husband is a high S (sensate). One of the consequences of this is that no matter how hard we try we just cannot give each other directions. We have very different internal maps, and explaining how to get from ‘a’ to ‘b’, or even which ‘b’ we mean, inevitably leads to confusion and frustration (thank goodnes for Google Maps!).
3. The ‘Thinking-Feeling’ continuum highlights whether you are drawn more towards ideas or emotions. Is it more important to you to be caring or competent, to get a task done or to connect with people? Our society has traditionally put men in the ‘Thinking’ box and women in the ‘Feeling’ box, assigning responsibility for nurturing to women and for achievement to men. I am far more interested in the individual uniqueness of each person and how your marriage can encourage that.
4. Couples at different places on the ‘J-P’ continuum get into conflicts around timing and mess, as they have a different grasp on what punctuality, planning and organisation look like in everyday life!
The ‘16 Personalities’ website is a good place to start (though they change some of the Myers Briggs terms).
The point is not to be good at everything. The point is to value what you each bring into your partnership, to be honest about your weaknesses, and to figure out how to work together so you bring out the best in each other.
A Faith Perspective
Every person who met Jesus of Nazareth had a profound experience of being known. Jesus was utterly present to other people, because he was constantly fully present to his Father in heaven. This enabled him to see through the roles and robes and labels of his society. He saw people for who they were.
For some people this was a wonderful experience; Zaccheus, the woman at the well, and many others responded by radically transforming their lives. They knew themselves as completely loved and accepted and that changed everything. Other people could not handle it and felt threatened, choosing to attack Jesus rather than face what they could not face in themselves.
Knowing your personality type is not the be-all-and-end-all of accepting yourself, but it is a useful tool. The goal is to grow in our ability to look at ourselves and other people through the eyes of Jesus.
There are lots of ways in which humanity is enriched by diversity; one way is personality. This describes differences in how people relate to the world and each other, without placing value judgements. There are no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ ways of being, just different ways. Personality describes process, the ‘how’ of people, not the content of what they think or believe or feel or do.
At work it helps to know the different strengths and personalities in a team. At home it is great to understand how each other ‘ticks’, so that I can stop trying to make you function more like me.
The Myers Briggs approach to personality is easy to grasp and apply, while also having a strong foundation in psychological theory (Jungian). It creates four continuums (a line between opposites), and allocates a preference for one end or the other.
1. The first, and easiest to grasp, is Extrovert-Introvert. Most people know whether they are energised by being around other people or whether they need peace and quiet to recover. This is very important information for married life. Do you need to talk everything through, or do you like to think things over first? Happy couples have worked out how to both stay connected and give each other space.
This is, of course, affected by what jobs you do. My husband is an army chaplain, and a ‘mad extrovert’, but after talking to people all day long his extroversion is used up and all he wants to do is watch Youtube videos. I am more of an introvert by nature but if I’ve been home alone studying all day I will want to talk and talk! Hopefully there is time in the evening for a bit of both, with some patience and self-control, and good communication about what we want from each other.
2. I am strongly N (intuitive) and my husband is a high S (sensate). One of the consequences of this is that no matter how hard we try we just cannot give each other directions. We have very different internal maps, and explaining how to get from ‘a’ to ‘b’, or even which ‘b’ we mean, inevitably leads to confusion and frustration (thank goodnes for Google Maps!).
3. The ‘Thinking-Feeling’ continuum highlights whether you are drawn more towards ideas or emotions. Is it more important to you to be caring or competent, to get a task done or to connect with people? Our society has traditionally put men in the ‘Thinking’ box and women in the ‘Feeling’ box, assigning responsibility for nurturing to women and for achievement to men. I am far more interested in the individual uniqueness of each person and how your marriage can encourage that.
4. Couples at different places on the ‘J-P’ continuum get into conflicts around timing and mess, as they have a different grasp on what punctuality, planning and organisation look like in everyday life!
The ‘16 Personalities’ website is a good place to start (though they change some of the Myers Briggs terms).
The point is not to be good at everything. The point is to value what you each bring into your partnership, to be honest about your weaknesses, and to figure out how to work together so you bring out the best in each other.
A Faith Perspective
Every person who met Jesus of Nazareth had a profound experience of being known. Jesus was utterly present to other people, because he was constantly fully present to his Father in heaven. This enabled him to see through the roles and robes and labels of his society. He saw people for who they were.
For some people this was a wonderful experience; Zaccheus, the woman at the well, and many others responded by radically transforming their lives. They knew themselves as completely loved and accepted and that changed everything. Other people could not handle it and felt threatened, choosing to attack Jesus rather than face what they could not face in themselves.
Knowing your personality type is not the be-all-and-end-all of accepting yourself, but it is a useful tool. The goal is to grow in our ability to look at ourselves and other people through the eyes of Jesus.
5. Patterns
Blaming each other is a ‘hiding to nothing’ – it gets you nowhere. So if neither he nor she is the problem, what is the problem? The contribution of systems theory is to map out the patterns in relationships that cause problems.
People are creatures of habit, but bad habits set up repeating loops that cause conflict and unhappiness. The thing about marriage patterns is that the harder you try to get out of them the deeper you get stuck. Trying harder is not the way out.
(Think of a river that cuts deeper into the outside bank as it curves until it winds further and further outward, becoming more and more zig-zagged.)
Here are some common patterns that Kiwi couples find themselves caught in.
The chaser and the chased: the more one tries to connect the more the other tries to escape. At the point of coming to counselling one person might be already practically out the door – either literally, emotionally, or stepping into the arms of another – while the partner feels abandoned with no idea what they did wrong.
Over & under functioning: responsibility is unevenly shared, so that one feels exhausted and the other feels got-at. The stereotype (which I see plenty of in real life) is of women carrying loads of responsibility and men feeling like a spare part around the place.
Triangles: Systems theory describes the way we humans tend to form trianglulated relationships. So my husband and I might worry about our son, or our cat, instead of having hard conversations between us. Jobs, illnesses and in-laws all create triangles, as do big secrets (you can be in a triangle you’re not even aware of).
The mine field: there are fenced-off ‘no-go’ areas where a false step might cause an explosion of blame or offence. The problem is, you never quite know where it is safe to walk.
You might recognise one of these patterns, or you might have another dynamic going on – any time you end up in an argument or a stand-off and you think ‘What was that about? How did we get here?’
Fixing it
Plot it: The first step is to map the pattern. Best to do this when you’re calm – either together, or just by yourself, or in therapy. What started it? When did you get that sinking feeling of ‘Here we go again!’?
Draw it as a diagram: this, then this, then that.
Add words or pictures for feelings.
What do you want instead? There is little point in digging into the ‘why’ to analyse or dissect it. It is what it is. What works is doing something different. Head it off at the pass.
(And if you find yourselves going around the old cycle again, never mind, don’t beat yourself up about it, just spot it, sigh, laugh about it, take a break.)
Imagine waking up tomorrow to discover that the old pattern has ceased to exist. How would you know it was no longer part of your marriage? What would you notice? What would happen instead? How would that feel?
A Faith Perspective
Paul described his own tendency to “do the thing I hate” which he put down to the “sin living in me” (Romans 7:15-25). Our inner conflicts which we name as ‘sin’ have a huge impact on our marriages. The freedom from ‘law’ that Paul passionately describes in Romans is a radically different way of understanding human freedom, which creates the possibility for peaceful relationships of love and self-giving (which he sets out in chapters 12-15).
People are creatures of habit, but bad habits set up repeating loops that cause conflict and unhappiness. The thing about marriage patterns is that the harder you try to get out of them the deeper you get stuck. Trying harder is not the way out.
(Think of a river that cuts deeper into the outside bank as it curves until it winds further and further outward, becoming more and more zig-zagged.)
Here are some common patterns that Kiwi couples find themselves caught in.
The chaser and the chased: the more one tries to connect the more the other tries to escape. At the point of coming to counselling one person might be already practically out the door – either literally, emotionally, or stepping into the arms of another – while the partner feels abandoned with no idea what they did wrong.
Over & under functioning: responsibility is unevenly shared, so that one feels exhausted and the other feels got-at. The stereotype (which I see plenty of in real life) is of women carrying loads of responsibility and men feeling like a spare part around the place.
Triangles: Systems theory describes the way we humans tend to form trianglulated relationships. So my husband and I might worry about our son, or our cat, instead of having hard conversations between us. Jobs, illnesses and in-laws all create triangles, as do big secrets (you can be in a triangle you’re not even aware of).
The mine field: there are fenced-off ‘no-go’ areas where a false step might cause an explosion of blame or offence. The problem is, you never quite know where it is safe to walk.
You might recognise one of these patterns, or you might have another dynamic going on – any time you end up in an argument or a stand-off and you think ‘What was that about? How did we get here?’
Fixing it
Plot it: The first step is to map the pattern. Best to do this when you’re calm – either together, or just by yourself, or in therapy. What started it? When did you get that sinking feeling of ‘Here we go again!’?
Draw it as a diagram: this, then this, then that.
Add words or pictures for feelings.
What do you want instead? There is little point in digging into the ‘why’ to analyse or dissect it. It is what it is. What works is doing something different. Head it off at the pass.
(And if you find yourselves going around the old cycle again, never mind, don’t beat yourself up about it, just spot it, sigh, laugh about it, take a break.)
Imagine waking up tomorrow to discover that the old pattern has ceased to exist. How would you know it was no longer part of your marriage? What would you notice? What would happen instead? How would that feel?
A Faith Perspective
Paul described his own tendency to “do the thing I hate” which he put down to the “sin living in me” (Romans 7:15-25). Our inner conflicts which we name as ‘sin’ have a huge impact on our marriages. The freedom from ‘law’ that Paul passionately describes in Romans is a radically different way of understanding human freedom, which creates the possibility for peaceful relationships of love and self-giving (which he sets out in chapters 12-15).
6. Traps
Some patterns become destructive and dominate a marriage. They are like a trap dug into the path that you fall into time and time again. If one party to a marriage is stuck in a trap the other party will keep getting dragged down also.
When couples promise to love each other “for better, for worse, in sickness and in health” these are things they would rather not face:
• the long-term effects of trauma
• financial crisis and compulsive spending
• emotional, physical or sexual abuse in the relationship
• an affair
• addiction to alcohol, drugs or gambling
• chronic anxiety or depression
• dissociation and withdrawal
• a major mental health diagnosis
• threats to leave
• a close death or other major grief
Any of these require professional help beyond couple counselling, but in counselling we can explore the effect it is having on the marriage. I am constantly amazed at how resilient people are. The strategies we develop in the face of life’s toughest challenges might help us get through, but not all coping strategies are effective or healthy.
When couples promise to love each other “for better, for worse, in sickness and in health” these are things they would rather not face:
• the long-term effects of trauma
• financial crisis and compulsive spending
• emotional, physical or sexual abuse in the relationship
• an affair
• addiction to alcohol, drugs or gambling
• chronic anxiety or depression
• dissociation and withdrawal
• a major mental health diagnosis
• threats to leave
• a close death or other major grief
Any of these require professional help beyond couple counselling, but in counselling we can explore the effect it is having on the marriage. I am constantly amazed at how resilient people are. The strategies we develop in the face of life’s toughest challenges might help us get through, but not all coping strategies are effective or healthy.
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A Faith Perspective
If you recognise any of the things on this list, I honour your courage and ability to hang in there. There are no quick fixes or trite answers, but hope endures. In the Christian story this hope is not based in our own rights or effort, or in a therapist’s skill, but only in the suffering of Jesus. The cross forms a way through the worst of human experience, holding space for new possibilities. The worst thing about the worst times is that we feel alone in them. Jesus on the cross cried “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?!” (Matthew 27:46). His pain was not just physical, but it took him through the pain of feeling abandoned, utterly alone. This is expressed in the classic poem, ‘Footprints’. A man looks back on his life and notices that in the tough times in his life there were only one set of footprints. In the punch-line of the poem Jesus shifts his perspective: “Then, I carried you.” The hardest times in marriage are when we feel alone in the marriage. Looking back we may be able to recognise that God was carrying us through. And marriage will likely include times when one of you is carrying the other. Do you feel alone at the moment? If so I hope you can find someone you can reach out to. I also hope that you can, at least sometimes, rest in the knowledge that you are held. |
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7. Glue
As well as addressing the hard stuff, couple counselling is all about strengthening the bonds and positive connection in a marriage. Couples seeking help probably need to attend to what holds them together – the glue of their relationship.
What holds your relationship together?
Attraction
Tell again the story of what brought you together in the first place. What did you see in this person that drew you to her? How did he make you feel? What possibilities opened up with this love? What did you discover in yourself in this relationship?
When recently did you feel that ‘zing’ of attraction to this person?
Couple Time
What is something you used to do together than has fallen by the wayside? What could you pick up again that you might both enjoy?
What is something new you would be willing to try, something to experiment with to see if you do enjoy it?
Couple activities should be
1. something you can do together
2. something you can do regularly
3. enjoyable (or at least not unpleasant) for both partners, and that
4. allows you to communicate in a healthy and productive way.
Some excellent resources and suggestions are on the Positive Psychology web page, including ideas for how to connect through a long slow cuddle, and practical ways to express appreciation.
Love Languages
One helpful tool for this is the ‘Five Love Languages’. This suggests that some people express love in words (“I love you”), while others express love through touch, and others in actions of service (‘here’s a nice cup of tea’). Some people just love to hang out together (‘quality time’) and others love to give a gift. This is not based on psychological research (and is fundamentally flawed in my opinion because it is missing the most important Love Language of all – chocolate!). But it can be a fun way to think about the differences between you.
Gary Chapman has a range of books about it, and you can do an online quiz. There’s even an app now!
His idea that we have different languages of apology is especially helpful, because it highlights how we can ‘talk past each other’ and not receive the gifts that we are given. If your partner is trying hard to make it up to you it’s a shame to miss it by looking the other way!
What holds your relationship together?
Attraction
Tell again the story of what brought you together in the first place. What did you see in this person that drew you to her? How did he make you feel? What possibilities opened up with this love? What did you discover in yourself in this relationship?
When recently did you feel that ‘zing’ of attraction to this person?
Couple Time
What is something you used to do together than has fallen by the wayside? What could you pick up again that you might both enjoy?
What is something new you would be willing to try, something to experiment with to see if you do enjoy it?
Couple activities should be
1. something you can do together
2. something you can do regularly
3. enjoyable (or at least not unpleasant) for both partners, and that
4. allows you to communicate in a healthy and productive way.
Some excellent resources and suggestions are on the Positive Psychology web page, including ideas for how to connect through a long slow cuddle, and practical ways to express appreciation.
Love Languages
One helpful tool for this is the ‘Five Love Languages’. This suggests that some people express love in words (“I love you”), while others express love through touch, and others in actions of service (‘here’s a nice cup of tea’). Some people just love to hang out together (‘quality time’) and others love to give a gift. This is not based on psychological research (and is fundamentally flawed in my opinion because it is missing the most important Love Language of all – chocolate!). But it can be a fun way to think about the differences between you.
Gary Chapman has a range of books about it, and you can do an online quiz. There’s even an app now!
His idea that we have different languages of apology is especially helpful, because it highlights how we can ‘talk past each other’ and not receive the gifts that we are given. If your partner is trying hard to make it up to you it’s a shame to miss it by looking the other way!
A Faith Perspective
In Ephesians 4:1-3 Paul makes a personal plea:
“I therefore, a prisoner in the Lord, beg you to lead a life worthy of the calling to which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, making every effort to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.”
He starts with calling. I affirm the conviction of the church that marriage is a divine calling. Did you feel led or called into marrying this particular person? That sense of call can sustain through hard times.
How? Paul names humility, gentleness and patience as the three hallmarks of this calling that enable us to ‘bear with’ our partners in love, even if it takes effort. The outcome is a treasure most precious, worth any price – a bond of peace.
So much for the sermon; what does this mean in practical terms? I am not a patient (or a humble) person by nature, so I know something of the ‘effort’ involved. I mean, unity is all very well if you agree with me, but don’t ask me to bend over backward! I know how it feels to lose touch with solid ground in a marriage, to feel you are losing your grip on what you used to take for granted. The bond of peace is not a given, and can be destroyed. The tool of ‘glue’ is the choice to invest in that bond of peace between us. This calls for patience and kindness, a gentle touch forged with a strong determination to keep going. Don’t panic and carry on.
In Ephesians 4:1-3 Paul makes a personal plea:
“I therefore, a prisoner in the Lord, beg you to lead a life worthy of the calling to which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, making every effort to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.”
He starts with calling. I affirm the conviction of the church that marriage is a divine calling. Did you feel led or called into marrying this particular person? That sense of call can sustain through hard times.
How? Paul names humility, gentleness and patience as the three hallmarks of this calling that enable us to ‘bear with’ our partners in love, even if it takes effort. The outcome is a treasure most precious, worth any price – a bond of peace.
So much for the sermon; what does this mean in practical terms? I am not a patient (or a humble) person by nature, so I know something of the ‘effort’ involved. I mean, unity is all very well if you agree with me, but don’t ask me to bend over backward! I know how it feels to lose touch with solid ground in a marriage, to feel you are losing your grip on what you used to take for granted. The bond of peace is not a given, and can be destroyed. The tool of ‘glue’ is the choice to invest in that bond of peace between us. This calls for patience and kindness, a gentle touch forged with a strong determination to keep going. Don’t panic and carry on.
8. Play
Sustaining desire for the same person over many years requires the cultivation of playfulness. The relational safety that enables people to laugh, dance, relax or be silly together also makes for good sex. Many of us are great at creating safe playful space for small children while our marriage is fraught and tense. The stress response which triggers a fight, flight or freeze reaction is toxic for intimacy.
Playful space is safe space. Safe space enables passion.
It is a paradox; the harder we try to get another person to meet our needs and expectations the less our needs and expectations get met. We load our needs and expectations into every little thing until every comment or touch is a test that our partner could fail.
Safe relational space is a no-fail space. Cultivating it requires of us that we suspend judgement, that we un-load our ‘shoulds’ and ‘oughts’ from the other person and let them just be who they are. The gift of free safe space is a rare and precious thing.
Paul wrote his first letter to the Corinthians to a church at war with itself. Chapter 13 is a recipe for healthy community. We read it at weddings because it is also a recipe for healthy marriage – and good sex! Kindness, patience, not keeping a record of wrongs, being fully present to another person – these enable the expression of love, including sexual love.
Couple counselling can help you to identify what enables you to feel safe. It can challenge you to notice how your expectations of each other might be smothering your love for each other, and teach you how to lift off the pressure.
Have some fun! Re-learn how to play together.
A Faith Perspective
I am a Presbyterian minister, heir to one of the most dour church traditions ever (remember the ‘Elders’ penguins in Happy Feet – they were Scottish Presbyterians, holding the line against frivolity, innovation or, heaven forbid, dancing!!). How did we ever get the idea that God was opposed to fun?? Why did we think that to ‘grow up’ meant to become entirely predictable??
The answer lies in Jesus. This man, Jesus of Nazareth, was outrageously funny and unpredictable. If you have never thought of him that way, I recommend reading some Eugene Peterson. His books, like ‘Stories of Jesus’ or ‘Christ Plays in Ten Thousand Places’, bring Jesus alive in a new way – and not out of wishful thinking but out of solid biblical scholarship. We read the parables as though they were pious cryptic puzzles, but in their time they were hilarious! As his listeners laughed they were opened to whole new ways of relating to God. Sadly the humour got lost in translation.
May you find in Jesus a friend who can move with you, laugh with you, perhaps even play with you.
Playful space is safe space. Safe space enables passion.
It is a paradox; the harder we try to get another person to meet our needs and expectations the less our needs and expectations get met. We load our needs and expectations into every little thing until every comment or touch is a test that our partner could fail.
Safe relational space is a no-fail space. Cultivating it requires of us that we suspend judgement, that we un-load our ‘shoulds’ and ‘oughts’ from the other person and let them just be who they are. The gift of free safe space is a rare and precious thing.
Paul wrote his first letter to the Corinthians to a church at war with itself. Chapter 13 is a recipe for healthy community. We read it at weddings because it is also a recipe for healthy marriage – and good sex! Kindness, patience, not keeping a record of wrongs, being fully present to another person – these enable the expression of love, including sexual love.
Couple counselling can help you to identify what enables you to feel safe. It can challenge you to notice how your expectations of each other might be smothering your love for each other, and teach you how to lift off the pressure.
Have some fun! Re-learn how to play together.
A Faith Perspective
I am a Presbyterian minister, heir to one of the most dour church traditions ever (remember the ‘Elders’ penguins in Happy Feet – they were Scottish Presbyterians, holding the line against frivolity, innovation or, heaven forbid, dancing!!). How did we ever get the idea that God was opposed to fun?? Why did we think that to ‘grow up’ meant to become entirely predictable??
The answer lies in Jesus. This man, Jesus of Nazareth, was outrageously funny and unpredictable. If you have never thought of him that way, I recommend reading some Eugene Peterson. His books, like ‘Stories of Jesus’ or ‘Christ Plays in Ten Thousand Places’, bring Jesus alive in a new way – and not out of wishful thinking but out of solid biblical scholarship. We read the parables as though they were pious cryptic puzzles, but in their time they were hilarious! As his listeners laughed they were opened to whole new ways of relating to God. Sadly the humour got lost in translation.
May you find in Jesus a friend who can move with you, laugh with you, perhaps even play with you.
Compromise
A closing comment
You might notice that I have not used the words ‘negotiate’, ‘promise’ or ‘compromise’ up till now. Repairing a relationship does not revolve around carefully negotiated agreements. When things are tense it is natural to want a deal, in the hope that if I give a little here and you give a little there we might meet in the middle. But marriage is a full giving of all of ourselves, not a trade-off. I want more for marriage than a negotiated truce.
When we focus on making agreements we create a dynamic where you promise this and I promise that and then I watch you closely to see if you keep the deal. And when a promise is broken, as it will inevitably be, we feel justifiably upset, and then we need remorse and restitution and we’re back to square one, with less trust than before. Don’t set yourselves up as lawmaker, policeman, judge and jury of your own rules.
I want to offer the invitation to move, in biblical terms, from law to grace; from the motivation of compliance to a motivation of generosity.
As Paul puts it in Romans 5:20-21 (The Message version):
“All that passing laws against sin did was produce more lawbreakers. But sin didn’t, and doesn’t, have a chance in competition with the aggressive forgiveness we call grace. When it’s sin versus grace, grace wins hands down. All sin can do is threaten us with death, and that’s the end of it. Grace, because God is putting everything together again through the Messiah, invites us into life”
You might notice that I have not used the words ‘negotiate’, ‘promise’ or ‘compromise’ up till now. Repairing a relationship does not revolve around carefully negotiated agreements. When things are tense it is natural to want a deal, in the hope that if I give a little here and you give a little there we might meet in the middle. But marriage is a full giving of all of ourselves, not a trade-off. I want more for marriage than a negotiated truce.
When we focus on making agreements we create a dynamic where you promise this and I promise that and then I watch you closely to see if you keep the deal. And when a promise is broken, as it will inevitably be, we feel justifiably upset, and then we need remorse and restitution and we’re back to square one, with less trust than before. Don’t set yourselves up as lawmaker, policeman, judge and jury of your own rules.
I want to offer the invitation to move, in biblical terms, from law to grace; from the motivation of compliance to a motivation of generosity.
As Paul puts it in Romans 5:20-21 (The Message version):
“All that passing laws against sin did was produce more lawbreakers. But sin didn’t, and doesn’t, have a chance in competition with the aggressive forgiveness we call grace. When it’s sin versus grace, grace wins hands down. All sin can do is threaten us with death, and that’s the end of it. Grace, because God is putting everything together again through the Messiah, invites us into life”
Community
A Faith Perspective
One more comment to finish. I see marriages under pressure in our society. Part of this pressure comes from the romantic ideal of our society, which pushes all our emotional needs into the romantic relationship. Pop songs croon “You are my everything”, “You are all I need”. God never designed marriage to be our be-all-and-end-all. We are made for community. Even the most passionate intimate love in the Bible, in the Song of Songs, is contained within community: the “daughters of Jerusalem” are supportive voices in the love song, “We will rejoice and be glad for you” (1:4). Few of us these days live in extended whanau, but the church can and should be a encouraging context for our marriages.
All the biblical guidelines for healthy community apply also to our marriages. Read passages such as Ephesians 4:20-32, James 3:13-18, Colossians 3:12-17 and Philippians 2:1-5, and let them inform and resource your marriage.
Therefore, concludes Hebrews, “since we have are surrounded by such a large cloud of witness, let us lay aside every weight and the sin that so easily ensnares, and run with endurance the race that lies before us, keeing our eyes on Jesus” (Heb 12:1-2).
I pray for you,
for the hope to sustain you in your marriage,
the energy to see it through,
and the focus on Christ to hold you,
that you may know the joy and peace of a strong mature marriage.
One more comment to finish. I see marriages under pressure in our society. Part of this pressure comes from the romantic ideal of our society, which pushes all our emotional needs into the romantic relationship. Pop songs croon “You are my everything”, “You are all I need”. God never designed marriage to be our be-all-and-end-all. We are made for community. Even the most passionate intimate love in the Bible, in the Song of Songs, is contained within community: the “daughters of Jerusalem” are supportive voices in the love song, “We will rejoice and be glad for you” (1:4). Few of us these days live in extended whanau, but the church can and should be a encouraging context for our marriages.
All the biblical guidelines for healthy community apply also to our marriages. Read passages such as Ephesians 4:20-32, James 3:13-18, Colossians 3:12-17 and Philippians 2:1-5, and let them inform and resource your marriage.
Therefore, concludes Hebrews, “since we have are surrounded by such a large cloud of witness, let us lay aside every weight and the sin that so easily ensnares, and run with endurance the race that lies before us, keeing our eyes on Jesus” (Heb 12:1-2).
I pray for you,
for the hope to sustain you in your marriage,
the energy to see it through,
and the focus on Christ to hold you,
that you may know the joy and peace of a strong mature marriage.
